Thoughtfully Considering How to Love a Special Needs Family
We recently asked some special needs parents how they would like to be loved by family, friends, and even strangers. Here is what they had to share:
Do not judge. There are so many things that you may not know behind the scenes in a special needs family. Some disabilities are not as obvious. We call these “hidden disabilities.” Have compassion. Do not be dismissive of their concerns and frustrations. Many children who melt-down in public are extremely sensitive to what you might call normal noises, lights, and activity. What looks okay to you may be over-the-top overwhelming for some. A learning disability like dyslexia is a huge struggle for a child and for the parents or caregiver supporting them. Don’t minimize their situation. It is easy to make a judgment based on your own experiences or on what you see, however, we encourage you to give the benefit of the doubt.
Avoid heavy suggestions. These families already have information overload coming from a myriad of sources. They really don’t need your unsolicited input. Only give advice, if they specifically ask for it.
Validate the parents. Life is hard for these parents. They are often criticized. They often already feel overwhelmed and confused and guilty. If you come alongside the parents of a special needs child with an attitude of confirming their knowledge and appreciating their efforts, it will lighten their burden. Many of these parents have spent countless hours researching, discussing, seeking advice, and considering so many options. If you can open your heart to give them a voice and really listen to them, and give them credit for all that they are doing, they will feel valued.
Encourage. Most people in this world encounter way more negativity than positive encouragement. You can be a beacon of light on a hard day by encouraging parents, siblings, and those with disabilities in a special needs family. A kind word can make a difference. When you are out in public and you encounter a special needs family, practice giving them a smile.
Acknowledge that their life may be harder than yours. If you are parenting neurotypical kids, we know that there are many exhausting challenges. No question. Life can be a struggle and there is a LOT to do. Take all of your experiences and multiply them several times over and you will begin to understand that the special needs family is potentially dealing with much more. Meltdowns of epic proportions, medical crises, education and therapy decision overload, limited childcare options, unsolicited opinions, and many other uniquely hard things may be an integral part of their every day. Show them empathy.
Invite them into your circles. Many families who have a member with disabilities are lonely and isolated. Reach out and invite them to your family backyard picnic, or maybe you can invite the mom or dad over to your home for coffee or dessert. You can go out of your way to notice and get to know a sibling. You can bring a special needs family into your circle of friends. You can invite them to participate in an outing with a group to which you belong. Just reaching out to let these families know that you care, can break their feeling of aloneness and their tendency to withdraw. You can give them a sense of belonging.
Help the caregivers get a break. Some caregivers are on “high alert” 24/7 because of the intense medical or emotional needs of their loved one. Sometimes they have to be super vigilant because their family member is an eloper and escapes the safety of their home frequently. Also, they may be stretched to care for the needs of their family as well as do a good job at work and address all the other responsibilities in life. There may be life-altering decisions they have to make on a regular basis for their loved one. Often these families have financial restraints that keep them from simple pleasures like a meal from a restaurant, or paying for a babysitter, or even purchasing clothing for the children or something for the home that would make life a little easier.
First, ask them what you can do to help. Some parents or other caregivers may know exactly what they need. Listen well to their desires and see if you are the one to help them or if you can make their needs known to someone who can help.
Some parents are so focused on survival that they really don’t have the capacity to think of ways that you can help. In that case, you can offer them suggestions.
For those who are trying to figure it out, here are some ideas that you can offer to do:
- care for the child or pay someone else to care for the child(ren) for a few hours,
- give them a gift card to their favorite restaurant,
- send a mom-care or dad-care package (ask what they like),
- make a home-cooked meal,
- run an errand,
- clean a room,
- do the laundry one day a week or once a month or just one day,
- mow their lawn,
- rake their leaves,
- do other needed home projects.
If you cannot physically do any of these things and you have the ability to pay someone else to do any of them, some families would be truly blessed by that.
Ask them about their children. Parents love their children no matter what kind of challenges they may be experiencing. Just like any other child, parents want to talk about their children. Give them the opportunity to share the ups and downs, achievements, struggles, personality, antics, favorite activities, successes, and joys of their child. We recently spoke with a dad who likes to run. His daughter shares this passion with him. It was great to learn how they both enjoyed running together. Many parents want to give you an opportunity to know their child for who they really are and not be limited by what you see on the outside.
We have encountered so many caring people who want to help a special needs family in some way, but they really do not know how to approach the family. Are you one of them?
If you pick even one simple thing from the ideas above or one of your own, you can make the difference between a good day and a bad day for a family. Your concern can break the chain of isolation. You can be that ray of hope within the heart of a parent who feels beaten down. Showing that you are thinking about them in this way, can change their whole perspective. When life becomes a little brighter for a parent, the children will also benefit. A little love goes a long, long way.
Won’t you take the risk, fight the nervousness, be intentional, and make it your business to notice and help a special needs family today?
Love,
Tom and Julie Meekins
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HERE’S HOW YOU CAN CONNECT WITH US:
We invite you to connect with Tom, Julie, and Amy through:
Email: champions4parents@gmail.com
Phone: 410-746-9010
Facebook: www.facebook.com/Champions4Parents
Don’t forget our website: www.champions4parents.com
