As parents, we have always been deeply concerned about all four of our children. Trying to put ourselves in each of their shoes was a constant conversation between Tom and me. That was true before our Amy was born and it was especially true after she was born.
Even though we tried so hard to be diligent to be sensitive to our Katie, Becca, and Josh, we missed things. We often missed the mark.
Parents, you will probably find yourself in our shoes as well. We had to learn to forgive ourselves and move on and you most likely will also.
I recently had the privilege of attending a workshop that was devoted to the plight of the typically developing siblings of special needs kids. Many points that were presented were familiar. And then there were things mentioned and discussed that I wished I knew back in the day.
You may be helped by something I heard and learned. So, I am passing along some tips to you that were addressed at the workshop.
My hope is that it will serve to help you:
- become aware of things you did not yet know,
- recognize things you are already familiar with and have a renewed commitment to address them if needed, and
- have a list that you might share with your family, friends, and community.
What Siblings May be Experiencing
- The fear of getting the same “illness” “condition” “diagnosis” as my brother or sister.
- The embarrassing behavior of my brother or sister when I have friends over or when we are in public.
- The feeling of being closed in, always “on”, always having to give in to the special needs sibling.
- Not feeling understood by my parents and other family members when I get frustrated or sad or scared.
- Needing a break from the special needs sibling and feeling guilty about it.
- Needing more attention from the parents and feeling guilty about it.
- Feeling badly that this happened to my brother or sister and not to me.
- Feeling invisible because the special needs child is getting all the attention.
- Feeling lonely because my friends do not know what to do around my sibling, or what to say to me about him or her.
- The loneliness that comes from peers keeping their distance because of their own fear, discomfort, or prejudice regarding my brother or sister’s situation.
- Resenting that our family outings, vacations, and even activities at home are limited.
- Resenting that I may not be able to participate in my interests such as sports, dance, theater, etc. because the money, time, parental support is not available because of my special needs brother or sister.
- Feeling badly about my resentments.
As siblings get older, many begin to worry about the future of their brother or sister with special needs and their responsibilities for them.
Questions siblings often ask as they mature…
- What is my role in caring for this special needs sibling?
- Will I be responsible for this sibling when I am an adult?
- Can I even go away to college?
- Do I need to keep my career and my future family’s location close to the family home in order to be ready to help care for my special needs brother or sister?
- How can I “test” a potential future spouse to see if they are “up” to supporting me in the tasks that will most likely become mine in caring or making decisions for my sibling?
- Will I have children with the same diagnosis, syndrome, condition, illness, etc.?
So, what can we, as parents, do to be proactive in helping siblings navigate life better?
Tips
- Always keep the lines of communication open.
- Realize that less than desirable behaviors coming from the sibling could be a cry for help and attention.
- Consider the ages of the siblings and communicate appropriately for their age group. For example, you would not discuss the same things with a preschooler that you would with a high school or adult sibling.
- Find resources that would be helpful to your child who is the sibling. For example, books from the library about others who are siblings, books and videos on feelings and how to express them appropriately, gatherings for siblings.
- Provide opportunities for the siblings to meet other siblings.
- Listen carefully to your child for the “between the lines” struggles.
- Give the siblings “special” time alone with you or along with the other neurotypical kids in the family.
- Take a special interest in the siblings topics and activities of interest.
- Gain understanding yourself from others who are siblings to become aware of potential concerns for your child who is a sibling.
- Some siblings want to know more than others about the particular condition of their special needs sibling. Be open and ready but do not overload the siblings with information.
Important Note for Parents: Your approach and attitude to the whole situation is being observed by the sibling(s) of the child with special needs. Be yourself, but be careful that you, yourself are not wallowing in victim mentality. We need to be real, but we also need to wrap our own hearts around accepting the situation with grace and moving forward for our sake, our spouse’s sake, for the special needs child’s sake, and for the siblings sake.
Make sure you, as a parent, are getting support. Do not do this alone.
Above all, know that there is the Heavenly Father, the Savior, and the Holy Spirit who knows, cares, and is ready to give you all you need for life and godliness in all situations, decisions, emotions, and actions.
With much love,
Julie Meekins
