By Julie Meekins
When I sat down to write this blog post, my goal was to give parents who suddenly found themselves responsible to navigate the education of their children at home some tips to not only survive but to do well. After completing the article, however, I realized that these tips work for all parents. If you are a parent who was intending to send your child to school but are thrust into educating at home, this is for you. If you are a parent of a child with special challenges of any kind, this is for you. If you are the parent who was fully intending to teach your child at home, this is for you.
In other words – if you are a parent, period. This is for you!
Settle yourself
Be the peace factor in your home. Utilize techniques to calm yourself so that you can keep a calm atmosphere for your family. Here are just a few ideas to get you started:
- Breathe. When we are stressed, we forget to breathe. Just take in a deep breath. Hold it to the count of four seconds. Exhale. Attach deep breathing to the routines of your day to be proactive. For example, just as you awaken, before mealtime, after mealtime, just before communicating with your children or before or after any routine that you have set up for your family.
- Get into God’s Word. When the world is swirling at a fast pace around us in our home and outside of our home, we need to stay rooted deeply with the anchor of our soul. Our Heavenly Father is waiting for us to rest in Him. He wants us to seek Him for wisdom and energy and empowerment. His Word supplies the truth we need in a world where lies abound. We need Him.
- Pray. Lean on the God who created both you and your children. Ask Him for help. I cannot tell you how many arrow prayers I launched in the midst of the crazy days of raising littles. I still do! …and the children are grown. Just knowing He is there and He cares and He loves my children more than I ever could was motivation enough to keep me coming back.
- Eat Chocolate. Really, you say? Chocolate? How is that going to help me settle? Chocolate is a simple pleasure for me. It is a reward of sorts. Looking forward to this indulgence, helps me to focus on getting through those tough moments. Maybe it is not chocolate for you. Maybe it is coffee. Maybe it is cookies.
- Check in with others for support. We are not meant to do this life alone. God created us for community. If you don’t have a supportive community where you can run to get support, create one. Just sharing a difficult moment with another person can diffuse the situation. Not one of us has all the answers. Someone in a support system may have an idea that is just the thing to help. My oldest daughter checks in with me several times a week and sometimes several times a day as she goes about raising my darling granddaughter.
Settle the child(ren)
Calming techniques for the children. The ideas listed below are good for all children – those who have special challenges and those more typically developing children. Your children who have diagnoses that often come with sensory issues and those children who do not have notable sensory issues can both be calmed by the following activities.
- Deep massages of arms and legs. Just grab and squeeze from the wrist to the shoulder, from the toes to the thighs – or use a hand held massager.
- Couch cushion sandwich or burrito roll. a) Sandwich: Grab your cushions or pillows. Put one cushion/pillow on the floor. Have the child lay his or her body on top of the pillow. Lay another cushion/pillow on top of the child. Always make sure the child can breathe. Lay yourself on top of the top pillow. b) Burrito roll. Lay a blanket on the floor. Have the child lay at one of the corners. Roll the child from one corner to the other in the blanket. Then unroll rapidly. Repeat.
- Other physical ways that you can calm a child is by having them do jumping jacks, or run around the outside of your house, or walk on a treadmill. Our Amy needs lots of sensory input and she gets this by walking miles a day on her treadmill. This is calming for her. Play classical music. No words. Just beautiful classical music. Sensory tools can be very useful for any child who needs to sit in front of the computer for schoolwork or at a table or desk for assignment completion. Seating: Let them sit on more flexible seating, such as an exercise ball or a bean bag chair, a, Movin’ Sit Jr. Inflatable Seat Cushion, pillows, cushions from the couch. Some children do well confined in tighter spaces as in a box or a storage bin. Hand fidget tools: Watery beads sensory toys, Sensory Stixx hand fidget, and non-sticky hand putty are just a few great ideas for children to manipulate in their hand while trying to concentrate or just to calm overwhelm.
Be flexible
Don’t sweat the small stuff. I am not a flexible person by nature, but here is what has helped me to learn to bend through the years.
- Perspective. What does perspective look like in your world? Do you have enough food to eat? Do you have a home in which to live? Do you have people in your corner? You need to come up with the questions that fit your world. What are you thankful for? Sometimes, just sitting down and thinking through the things that ARE going right, helps us to process the challenges and struggles better. It puts the trials of strife in its proper place. So when the toilet stops up, or the milk is spilt all over the floor, or the assignment from the teacher that you are supposed to help your child understand is confusing — stop and breathe, and realize what is going right. It will deflate the balloon of stress from inflating more because you are focusing on what is true and right and noble as it says in Philippians 4:8.
- Empathize. Put yourself in your child’s shoes. This behavior you see in your child that seems like an affront or disobedience or defiance to you, may very well be his or her expression of a cry for help.
Laugh
A Lot. The baby has unrolled all the toilet paper while you are home tutoring her sibling. Your preschooler says the cutest thing. The family pet gets his head stuck in a toy bucket. Your child runs naked outside. There is writing on the wall — literally — someone wrote all over the wall, your toddler has decided to play dress up with your clean laundry which is now all over the house. We have choices to make here. Yell or laugh? Grab the camera or fall apart? Trust me. Years from now those moments of childish pranks will be precious recollections. I recommend that you not take life so seriously. Believe it or not – this too shall pass. Humor does something chemically in the brain and lightens the heart. The bible says, “Laughter is good medicine.”
Have compassion
Your child is stressed also. These are trying times. Life is a little upside down. Look through your child’s difficult behavior to see if there is a deeper struggle. Put yourself in your child’s shoes for a bit.
Validate your child’s feelings, struggles, challenges.
- Be the president of your child’s fan club.
- Take time to listen.
- Put on your advocacy hat to grab for the best for your child.
- When your child messes up in public, do you give in to your own personal embarrassment and berate him or her or do you take up for them? Do you show grace, mercy, and support?
Guide, don’t lord over
Check your parenting heart. Are you looking to create young robots that do everything perfect on the outside or do you want to help your child cherish life? Do you want to foster wonder at new learning or give them the impression that the test scores are all that matters? Do you want your child to love learning or learn to hate education? Do you want perfect little bedrooms or a place where they can create and explore and grow?
Look, I know that most days your task list is truly impossible. That is the nature of raising children, anyway, but, adding this crazy COVID life to the mix can cause even the most efficient parent to stare off into space with a glazed look and a brain that is shutting down.
I know you want to help your child to become the very best possible version of him or her.
In Christian circles, we call this discipleship. There are many components to discipleship. Discipline is only one of them. Building strong relationships with your children is vital. Create a world for them where they know you are in their corner and that no matter what – you will love them unconditionally. Use the Word of God as your guide in shepherding your children.
Praise first
Our children need a lot of encouragement. I don’t know what your parents were like, but I guarantee that when they, or any adult, took the time to say something kind, encouraging, and empowering – it boosted your spirit. It gave you the drive to do even better.
There are days when all that our children hear is criticism. We need to teach them new skills and then we need to give them the space, sprinkled with a large measure of grace, to learn those skills. Failure most likely will be involved in the learning process. Find ways to encourage them.
Recruit help
- First from the children. No matter how old your child, you can teach them to do something that contributes to the good of the family. Children with disabilities can learn to do some things according to their ability. Teach and then let them do. Teach your young ones to fold washcloths and pick up toys and put their clothes away. Older children can be taught to do more household chores like making beds and gathering trash throughout the house and wiping up spills. Even older children can handle making a simple meal or doing laundry. These things will not be done the way that you do them — and that is okay. Praise the effort and then give some positive tips.
- Then, the spouse – if there is one. Tell your spouse specifically what they can do, the things that would help you to accomplish what needs doing. We often expect our spouses to read our minds. They can’t. We just need to communicate well with a good attitude and let him know what it is we need help with. I often hear from wives who are super frustrated with their husbands. They report that the husband is not helping them with the children or the house. My question is always, “Have you explained what you would like them to do?” Most answers go something like this, “No. They should know.” Public service announcement: no one knows what is on your mind and what you care about unless you share it. Most often a husband’s perception is either that you don’t need help because you look like you “have it all together” or they don’t want to help because they get criticized about the way they do things every time they do help. So, communicate and accept the way it is done with gratitude. I guarantee that if you accept your husband’s help with thanksgiving, you are more likely to grow into a partnership that works for your family.
- Extended family – grandparents, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles may be missing out on a blessing that you could give them by letting them help with something specific.
- Kindred spirit parent peers. We can be such a huge help to each other as parents when we work together. When our children were younger, we participated in a babysitting co-op. No money was exchanged. Our currency was glass chips. Each family was given a certain number of chips according to the number of children in the family. If one family needed care for their children, they arranged with another parent that was available at that time and they paid in chips. The more you babysat, the more chips you got. This worked out beautifully for us as we had four children and not a lot of money for babysitting. When it was our time to babysit, it gave our children play date time. You and the parents in your peer group may just enjoy some simple playground time together so parents can chat while children play. In this day and age of texting and social media – maybe a quick sos text or private message is all you need to connect.
- Hire someone. If you have the means, hire someone or recruit a student who needs community hours to help you with cleaning, playing with your children, or making meals.
Keep things in perspective
Remember, God is still on the throne. He is still watching over you. He is the ultimate boss. Not the school board. Not the teachers. Not the curriculum and any teaching through Zoom that is driving your day. Not the boss who doesn’t understand your needing to be with your children who are doing virtual learning. God is the Almighty. He is who you need to answer to. He is the one covering you. He is the one waiting for you to cry out for His help and peace.
When you find your stress level, blood pressure, overwhelm climbing – STOP. Breathe. Pray. Ask for the next step. Not the next 20 steps. Just the next one step. Everything you may have been taught and reaching for for your children academically, needs a closer look. What are we giving up to try to make sense of and squeeze us and our children into a system that is, at best, confusing?
Consider the best for you all as a family. Step back and ask for wisdom to see clearly. Then, make decisions that are best for your family. Don’t get sucked into the vortex of everyone else’s expectations.
One single mom I know has four children, three of whom have some kind of special need or learning disability. Her school system is having the children do complete virtual learning for the first eight or nine weeks. Can you imagine her stress in thinking about childcare for her four children who were going to be home full time for weeks on end while she worked. Not only were they going to be home full time, but they needed help navigating the challenge of tuning in to virtual classes on time and help in getting assignments done. It became very clear very fast that her children needed HER to help them.
She was in a definite dilemma. In order to have adult care for her children at home and that caregiver being well versed on helping educate her children and up on the technology to keep up with school classes and assignments, she was going to have to pay a fortune. It also became apparent that her children, with their unique needs, really needed that person to be their mom. So, she quit her job. She felt like she had no other option. She prayed about it, took a step of faith, and gave notice. Just a few days after she made the announcement, someone contacted her about a part time job that fit the hours she could be away from the children. She went for the interview, got the job, and now she can both bring in income as well as be there for her children. This is not everybody’s option but this mom got creative and found a good fit for her children. At the beginning of COVID do you think she saw this coming? No, of course not.
In your current situation with childcare and education concerns for your children, maybe there is a better option for you, too. Be open-minded enough to at least explore different options.
Remember that whatever you do – time spent with your children in a positive and cheerful environment will go towards building a lasting good relationship with them and will be a forever treasure.
Parents – your job is hard. We know. Throwing in COVID has turned many families upside down. Please know this: you are NOT alone. Reach out to us if you would like us to walk alongside you a bit to brainstorm the best options for your particular family situation.
Love,
Julie
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