Assumptions are made and most assumptions are wrong. Albert Einstein
Assumptions are the termites of relationships. Henry Winkler (the Fonz)
I don’t know about you, but I have been guilty of making assumptions about challenging behavior as I see it in children and adults alike. My assumptions are often not accurate or I am at least not considering the whole picture. Could this be you, too? Maybe there is more that we need to know and understand. Maybe we need to think about these behaviors differently. Maybe we need a different response. Maybe Albert Einstein and Henry Winkler are on to something.
When we encounter or observe what we consider to be “bad” behavior, we may be overlooking that there is actually a hidden disability in that child. Sometimes the child may have a mental, learning, neurological, or physical condition that is not visible from the outside. What we see looks typical but there actually may be a hidden disability. Then, behaviors happen and we need to be careful that we don’t misunderstand them and make wrong assumptions and misjudge their motives and reasons for the behavior.
So, let’s unpack some of the behaviors we see in ministry as we serve children. Before we do that, let’s go back to the basics of ministry.
What is our greatest goal?
- Love God, Love People?
- Share the Gospel?
- Make Disciples?
If that truly is our intention, then how do we deal with unwanted and inappropriate and unpleasant behaviors?
Let’s keep the intention of loving that child and remember the mission of sharing the gospel, living the gospel in front of them, making disciples by guiding them to love God and love people.
Also let’s remember that behavior is communication. The behavior you see in any child may be telling you a whole lot more than what you see on the surface.
Are you willing to take a look from another perspective?
For example:
What could the behavior be telling us? and What can we do about it?
Sometimes we encounter children who are reluctant to participate in an activity we have planned. What could be at the root of that? We may assume the child is uncooperative and that we should just force them to participate. BUT, what if that child is experiencing a deeper anxiety? What if they are experiencing separation anxiety because of a traumatic experience? There are many reasons that you may not know that are causing this child to hang back or to cling to a parent. Our job is not to diagnose the cause but we can ask God for sensitivity toward this child and pray for wisdom in approaching the child and the parent. If our goal is about loving them, we want to make sure our focus is not on our own agenda and sense of accomplishment.
What can we do? Maybe this child just needs a little more information before entering in. Maybe we need to be intentional about creating an environment where the child feels safe.
This is just one example of the behaviors we encounter in serving children.
Let’s look at a few more:
Here is a list of some behaviors that we might see:
- Phobias
- Refusing to do what’s asked
- Running away
- Hitting, biting, pinching, lashing out, throwing things, etc.
- Covered ears
- Being too close – not understanding personal space
- Easily offended
- Hyperactive
- Argumentative
- “Class clown” jokester
- Snarky /sassy/disrespectful when responding to authority
- Not kind to other children
- Bossy
- “Squirrel” – easily distracted
- Forgetting instructions
What could be going on in children to cause the above and other challenging behaviors?
- Past Trauma Experience
- Anxiety
- Hungry and/or thirsty
- Slower processing
- Executive function differences
- OCD
- Fight or flight response from trauma
- Panic attack
- Allergies
- Sensory overwhelm
- Sensory processing differences (avoiding/seeking)
- Compensating for a learning disability
- Loss of loved one
- Hurt from bullying
- Learning struggles
- ADHD
- Autism
Again, our job as leaders of children in ministry is not to diagnose anything, but we need to be aware of our preconceived notions, our own personal triggers, how we jump to conclusions, and to be willing to shift our mindset.
Alan Alda has the right idea: “Begin challenging your own assumptions. Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while or the light won’t come in.”
If we see a behavior that is less than desirable, we need to first do what my husband, Tom, is very good at. We need to give the benefit of the doubt. Let’s follow Alan Alda’s advice and scrub our assumption windows of old preconceived notions and let the light in.
Bottom line is let’s keep our mission in mind.
If our mission is to:
- Love God, Love People
- Share the Gospel
- Make Disciples
Then our goal is to see how best we can make that happen for each and every child in the spirit of love.
I recently had the privilege of listening to my friend, Beth Golik of Key Ministry, give great practical ideas during a conference breakout session. Here are some action steps that I picked up from Beth and that she inspired me to remember and create from my own past experiences.
Some practical things we can do:
Increase our communication to all the children
Tell them what to expect. Tell them what is new or different. You can do this verbally, by visual chart, and also by walking them through the area physically ahead of time.
Some of our church activities for children are a little overwhelming for some of the more sensitive children. Why not adjust the activity for everyone to accommodate everyone. For example:
Decide to adjust the event or activity to be caring about the needs of all
Some of our church activities for children are a little overwhelming for some of the more sensitive children. Why not adjust the activity to accommodate everyone. For example, why can’t we:
- Lower the volume
- Decrease the hype
- Lower the brightness of lights with filters
- Only give one instruction at a time and wait until everyone gets it.
- “Never strobes” – did you know that strobe lights can trigger seizures?
- Keep the visual stimulation to a minimum if possible
- Give everyone opportunity to move often
- Rocker chairs, wobble cushions,
- Create personal space designated by tape on the floor or a small rug.
Provide helps
- Noise reduction headphones
- Fidgets
- Chewy tubes
- Create a designated “safe” place in the building to calm and self-regulate
- Consider the children and their struggles, then create a welcoming and safe environment for all.
Much love,
Julie
CONNECT WITH US:
We invite you to connect with Tom, Julie, and Amy through:
Email: champions4parents@gmail.com
Phone: 410-746-9010 (Voice or Text)
Facebook: www.facebook.com/Champions4Parents
Don’t forget our website: www.Champions4Parents.com
And check out Amy’s book at www.HeartReCHARGE.com
