This is a message for parents, caregivers, friends, and also to professionals in ministry, medicine, and education.
Do you feel loved? If the answer is yes, it is most likely because someone has figured out what makes you feel loved. If the answer is no, then it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are not loved. It just may mean that the people who love you do not know how best to love you so that you feel it and know it.
Recently, I had the privilege of participating in an online book study with Jolene Philo, co-author with Gary Chapman of the book, Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families, The 5 Love Languages for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities.
Many years ago, Gary Chapman authored a book by the title: The 5 Love Languages. Since then, he has expanded the message of love languages beyond romancing couples to folks of all different ages and walks of life. Until 2019, there was a people group that had yet to be considered, and that is special needs families. Jolene Philo, an author and speaker who champions the cause of families with disability, set out to change that omission. And thus, Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families was written.
The five love languages are:
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Gifts (or ”Receiving Gifts”)
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
They are described in Sharing Love Abundantly as such:
“Words of Affirmation: Unsolicited compliments, whether verbal or written, or words of appreciation.”
“Quality Time: Giving someone your full, undivided attention.”
“Gifts (or Receiving Gifts”): Any purchased, handmade, or found tangible gift to let someone know you care.”
“Acts of Service: Doing helpful things for another person.”
“Physical Touch: Deliberate touch that requires your full attention to deliver.”
When you know someone’s primary love language, you can creatively exercise that language with action steps.
For example, I have two primary love languages. They are, Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. When someone affirms me with words either written or spoken, I feel a sense of being loved. When someone does an act of service for me, I feel loved. Some examples of Words of Affirmation that people have shown me are: cards that express birthday wishes, thank you, I appreciate you, or I am thinking of you. A note on my dresser or in my email inbox praising me for a job well done or that a particular attribute of mine was noticed and appreciated or admired fits the bill also. Now, these sentiments must be heartfelt or the meaning is lost. Some examples of Acts of Service that speak to me personally are: run an errand for me, make a phone call, run the vacuum, do the dishes, fold the laundry, set up a computer program, make a vision/goal/desire that I have for ministry happen, send me something I need, put gas in my car, shovel my walk, mow my lawn. You get the picture.
If you want to know more about how to determine your love language, Sharing Love Abundantly contains Love Languages Personal Profiles for couples, singles, teens, and children with questions that you can answer and calculate.
So, what about families who are dealing with the disability of a loved one? Those of us who are in this category, know all too well the strains on relationships.
“The demands of caring for children who have medical conditions, developmental or cognitive delays, disabilities, behavior issues, are on the autism spectrum, or have other special needs can stress marriages to their breaking point.”
Life can be particularly challenging for the typical siblings of kids with special needs. Jolene Philo sums up their plight beautifully with these words: “These siblings develop unique skills and perspectives that make them appear mature beyond their years. But they are children, and they need time to experience the wonder of childhood. They also need the undivided attention of their parents now and then. Like all children everywhere, they need to hear unconditional love spoken to them by family members in their primary languages.”
So, what about children who have challenges? “In the previous chapter, I (Gary) explained that determining a child’s love language may take time, though clues are all around. The same principle is true in determining the love language of a child with special needs, though uncovering the clues may take a little more time and persistence. But the reasons for spending extra time and effort to discover and speak your child’s primary love language are worthwhile.” Gary Chapman.
Figuring out the primary love language of a child who has special needs can be a bit of a puzzle whether they are developmentally delayed, verbal or non-verbal, physically disabled, struggle with behavior, or have some other challenges. The authors of Sharing Love Abundantly report that parents have had success by setting out to use all five love languages with their children. These parents first used “trial and error” followed by “keen observation.”
Chapman and Philo help us to realize that exercising ALL of the love languages with your child with challenges can have a two fold benefit. First, they will feel loved as you speak their love language, and second, you can teach the child by example how to love others.
If you are interested in knowing more about love languages and how they can help you to have good relationships with all family members in a special needs family, I highly recommend that you grab your copy of Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families by Gary Chapman and Jolene Philo. The book is full of practical strategies and very doable examples to help you on your way.
This book will also benefit you if you are a professional and you want to know how you can better work with people with disabilities and help foster relationships among the family members of special needs families.
Also, parents – you will appreciate the information in this book about how best to help professionals in your child’s life use his or her love language(s) as they work with your child. Find out the best words to share with doctors and therapists and teachers to help them fill your child’s emotional tank.
If you would like to engage with us as you seek to determine and exercise the primary love languages of the people in your family or people with disabilities and their families with whom you work, feel free to email us at Champions4Parents@gmail.com.
Much love,
Julie Meekins
Champions4Parents.com
HERE’S HOW YOU CAN CONNECT WITH US:
We invite you to connect with Tom, Julie, and Amy through:
Email: champions4parents@gmail.com
Phone: 410-746-9010
Facebook: www.facebook.com/Champions4Parents
Don’t forget our website: www.champions4parents.com
And check out Amy’s book at www.HeartReCHARGE.com
