First of all, as we take a look at dysregulation in our children, let us remember that no two children are alike – that includes children who have been given a diagnosis of any sort and those who have not. We are all individuals and very unique.
However, what we love about parent discussions is that the sharing of personal experiences becomes helpful to other parents. Parents feel validated, empowered, encouraged, and filled up enough to spread the wealth of ideas with other parents. For this very reason, we do our best to provide opportunities for parents/caregivers to meet up in person and on-line. This is community.
The recent topic among parents in our community was DYSREGULATION.
To a certain extent most children and adults do some form of “masking” or concealing what is really going on under the surface emotionally. Some of our children who have hidden and overt disabilities have learned the masterful art of masking to get through school, playtime with peers, dealing with extended family, and participating in church-life, to mention a few. And…it is hard work and takes a great deal of energy and strategizing.
But then…
There comes a time when they are done. They have been keeping it together very well for what must seem like an eternity. There are no more reserves for acting calm, kind, attentive, compliant, respectful, helpful, etc. and the mask comes off. (Sometimes, we wish that we could be inside their struggle for a bit so that we could understand the agony they are going through and find good solutions.)
When the child is back at home or at some other place they deem safe, dysregulation often happens.
What does that look like? Here are the symptoms of dysregulation that our parent community shared with one another. Do you see something familiar in this list from your personal experience?
What dysregulation can look like:
Crashing into family members
Running on all fours
Irritability
Anger
Screaming
Animal noises
Throwing things
Inability to complete basic tasks
Wanting to be held and carried, even at 8yo!
Giving tight squeezes
Zero tolerance of talking/singing/humming
Anxiety
Clingy/needs a companion
Inability to self soothe
Frequent crying
Verbal stimming
Humming
Loud tonal noises
Repeating favorite parts of tv shows
Yelling & screaming
Lashing out at parents and siblings
Slamming doors
Thoughts of self-harm
Kicking walls
Throwing things
Refusal to engage in expected behaviors / activities
Refusing to eat
Refusing to get dressed
Refusing to do anything we ask or suggest
Screaming & yelling
Inappropriate language
Kicking chairs
Knocking over furniture
Aggression
Frequent negative moods
Set off by anything that is said to her
Loudly lectures parents and siblings as she goes to her room
Sleeping all day
Whew! This is hard for everyone, for the child who is coming apart at the seams, for parents and caregivers, for siblings, and anyone else who is in the wake of these emotional symptoms of dysregulation.
Here are some suggestions parent-to-parent of how one may go about helping a child regulate again. This is usually not a quick fix. This is a process. It often is a trial and error kind of thing. It takes getting to know the child and applying some strategies and watching how it works (or doesn’t work) and then starting the process all over again through each season.
Help for the one who is dysregulated:
- Giving the child space
- Definitive coping skills
- Meds
- Sometimes we have no choice but to let her go through the whole blow up
- Watching videos on his tablet
- Applying Deep Pressure via
- Weighted blanket
- Hug squeezes
- Reduce demands on him
- Say “yes” as much as we can to requests
- Routine
- Consistency
- When in the presence of others:
- Bring the episode quickly to an end (being more lenient)
- Redirect as quickly as possible
- When I am able to work on it freely:
- Work through steps that we have in place
- Not punishment but yes boundaries
- Set very clear boundaries using specific times
- (in 30 minutes, I expect that you will go…)
- Giving choices as much as possible
- Food and Rest
Parent considerations:
- Reactions from others:
- One parent had this to share: “We’ve run into the polite disbelief from other folks when they haven’t seen the aftermath. It’s absolutely like they think we’re making things up or overstating what happens…until — they actually see it happen.”
- Reminder: God sees & equips:
- One mom said this: “I remind myself that God sees and knows the challenges I face. I trust God to equip me with everything I need to serve my family and to refresh me with the soul rest I need to face each new day.”
- One mom said this: “I remind myself that God sees and knows the challenges I face. I trust God to equip me with everything I need to serve my family and to refresh me with the soul rest I need to face each new day.”
- Help for parents:
- Remember it is a nervous system response and not a personal attack on our parenting.
- Saying things like “I know this doesn’t feel good for you right now” – she sees we are FOR her in the moment and not against her.
- We are quick to use and affirm truth once she has regulated to respond to the negative self-talk that comes after masking.
- Identifying and acknowledging situations that may have triggered her that may be going on at school or elsewhere.
So much good information here straight from the parents who are dealing with dysregulation all the time.
We pray that something here will encourage you today and give you some new strategies to try to help your child and your family and you.
Are you feeling supported on your journey of special needs and/or disability? You are always welcome to join us in our private Facebook group and also every third Thursday of the month as we Zoom with others in the disability community on topics and discussions relevant to parents and ministry leaders. Questions? Please feel free to reach out to us at Champions4Parents@gmail.com.
With Much Love,
Tom and Julie Meekins
CONNECT WITH US:
We invite you to connect with Tom, Julie, and Amy through:
Email: champions4parents@gmail.com
Phone: 410-746-9010 (Voice or Text)
Facebook: facebook.com/Champions4Parents
Don’t forget our website: Champions4Parents.com
And check out Amy’s websites at
AmyChristineMeekins.com/
Amystories.wixsite.com/heartrecharge
If you would like to support us financially as we provide love and support to Parents and Caregivers as well as Ministry Folks who serve families impacted by disability, please go to our donor page on our website: Champions4Parents.com/donate
