Parenting children opens one up to all kinds of advice – sought after and unsolicited. And then, there are people who are negative or manipulative by nature who step all over the way we parent. Add to the mix parenting a child with challenges and suddenly even strangers put themselves forth as experts.
Maybe we are talking about two different things here: advice vs. criticism.
The dictionary definition of advice is an opinion or recommendation offered as a guide to action. On the other hand, the dictionary describes criticism this way, the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything, or, the act of passing severe judgment; censure; fault-finding, or, the expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes.
One parent shared the effect that criticism has on her and her parenting:
“I notice I try to protect myself from criticism. I never know how it will hit me and that is the scary part. The few times someone has said something at the wrong emotional time, I have to talk myself down from criticizing myself. I have to remind myself that we have been through so much to just keep our head above water to figure things out, that skills children learn along the way got missed. We are always playing catch-up or moving at a different pace. Encouragement goes a long way! While criticism can make me re-evaluate things and brings me to Jesus for help, it is exhausting to handle emotionally.”
So what is a parent to do? How should we take advice or criticism?
It is good to seek counsel
We don’t know what we don’t know. There are others who have had experiences and have gained wisdom as a result of those experiences. There are others who have gotten training that could prove useful to us. So, it is good to seek counsel. As one mom says, “Constructive suggestions from someone who knows what they are talking about is helpful and should be listened to, even if you decide against it.”
There are two forms of counsel to seek — vertical and horizontal . Vertical counsel is from God and horizontal counsel is from others. Psalm 16:7-8 encourages us to appreciate the counsel of God day and night. Are we a student of the Bible? Do we regularly read or listen to God’s Word? The Bible is an instruction manual for life. There is so much wise counsel to be gained from spending time in God’s Word. Horizontal counsel, that which comes from people, can be good or bad. Proverbs 12:15 says that a wise person listens to advice. A good rule of thumb is to filter any advice coming from people through the principles of Scripture.
And then there is unsolicited advice – the kind that comes without seeking it. Sometimes this kind of advice can be helpful, but often, it is not, and we may not be particularly appreciative of it.
And then there is criticism that comes when someone is judging your parenting philosophy or style and sometimes criticism can be harsh. Many special needs parents have expressed to us how oppressive and overwhelming this can be for them. One mom shared, “I struggle greatly with this, especially with my mother. Everything she says comes across as criticism because she has a critical nature.”
No one can truly know all the ins and outs of what it is like to parent your particular child. Often critical people have no idea of the big picture of how your child’s challenges play out physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually.
So, again, what is a parent to do? Here are some principles that we have learned along the way that may be helpful to you. Take what resonates with you now and set the other thoughts aside for another time.
Try not to let unsolicited advice, judgment, and criticism raise your hackles
The struggle is real as this parent describes: “Depending on who is saying something and their tone/intent, I am either crushed or livid. I have gotten a little better (and try to ignore), but for a while there, it was one extreme or the other. I try to remind myself that they don’t have a clue. None whatsoever.”
When we are exhausted and overwhelmed, it is easy to become irritated and angry. It is easy to go on the defensive and want to attack. We have learned to pause and pray or pause and count or pause and breathe. This is an exercise that helps to get out of the overwrought emotional state and back into good self-control. Then, if the person criticising you cannot be avoided at that moment, listen for something useful.
Listen for something useful
Consider the proverbial “don’t throw the baby out with the bath water”. Open your heart and your ears for something that just may be helpful to your situation. However, if someone is ranting at you, step away at your first opportunity.
Extend grace
Grace is unmerited favor – meaning that we receive favor (approval, acceptance, blessings) – not because we have earned it – but because someone wants to freely give it. God is the perfect example of how to extend grace. He favors us, not because of anything we have done to earn it, but because He loves us and has decided to extend us grace. We can do the same thing toward others.
One mom shared her struggle with unsolicited advice and then her goal to put a positive twist on it.
“Many a time I have thought in my brain….’Ok. Why don’t I go out for the day and you can spend the day doing what you think will make him respond the way he should. You try feeding him foods that you say “I should be feeding him like other normal children ” and see how that works for you!’ But then I take a deep breath and realize they have no idea and I try to give grace and use it as a teaching moment. Sometimes that works. Then I cry out to the Lord in my prayer closet.”
And, for heaven’s sake, let’s not be critical with each other as this parent has experienced:
“The criticism that is the hardest for me to take is by other parents with special needs who think their way is the only way to help our kids. It makes me doubt my choices and worry that I did not fight hard enough or do the right thing.”
In all honesty, some folks really do have our best interest at heart. Even though we have not asked for their advice or opinion, some folks are coming from a place of love and concern. Giving them the benefit of the doubt may well be the right thing to do. Because you know how it feels, be quick to encourage other parents. Your words may be the only uplifting thing they have heard for a long time.
Keep in mind, though, that the rules change if someone is overstepping and you feel your anxiety rising or you feel emotionally or physically threatened.
For your own mental and emotional health or that of your children, sometimes it is totally time to set boundaries.
Set boundaries when necessary.
It is important to recognize toxic people. Toxic people are not serving you well in your parenting. If there is someone in your life who is severely critical or undermines your parenting, they may be a toxic person.
Here is a list of traits you may see in toxic people:
They are masters at manipulation. These people are shrewd, scheming, and can be devious. They really only have their own agenda in mind and do whatever they can to influence you unfairly. Manipulative people are usually very skillful at this and often one doesn’t realize what is happening for a while.
They leave you emotionally wiped out. Trying to explain and justify yourself over and over is exhausting.
They never apologize. They are so far into the goal of changing your thoughts and your behavior, there is no consideration for you.
They are very self-centered. Life is ALL about them.
They can be dishonest. Toxic people often lie, sometimes with just enough of the truth to make you doubt yourself.
They are not compassionate toward you.
They belittle (put others down).
They are masters at laying on guilt trips.
They know how to push your buttons and stress you out. Just anticipating being with them, can raise your anxiety level.
They become very good at twisting your words so that it appears you are saying something completely different than what you intend to say.
They often cause you to second guess yourself.
They can be very spiteful. Other words to describe spiteful are: catty, cruel, hateful, vicious, and vindictive.
So, what can you do?
Protect yourself and your loved ones by setting healthy limits.
Don’t let them suck you into their drama.
Become unavailable.
Spend less time around them.
Say no.
Respond to them firmly and with confidence (even if you don’t feel confident).
We should mention here that setting boundaries, also known as setting healthy limits, is not only to protect yourself from toxic people, although it can be a good result. Setting healthy limits is also good for building healthy relationships with everyone. Jesus is a good example of why it is important to set boundaries. He would not have been effective in the work of His ministry, if He had not prioritized when and where and who He served, and, if He had not taken the time to pray.
As parents, we need to discern how best to care for our children. As parents of children who have challenges (who also may have siblings to care for), there are even more things to consider in caring for our children. Along with the relationship we have with God, and the marriage relationship (for those of us where this applies), parenting is a high priority. If we are trying to fit into everyone else’s agenda, we may miss opportunities to refresh our own souls and refill spiritually, emotionally, and physically so that we can be good caregivers. We also may be distracted away from the vital role we have as parents in raising our children.
Build a supportive community for yourself and your family
The Bible teaches that when you put off the old, you need to fill the void by putting on the new. In the case of setting healthy limits, as you spend less time getting sucked into the vortex of an unhealthy pouring out, we suggest that you fill that void by seeking out and engaging with a good supportive community. Seek out others of like values where you can get and give support. When our children were young, we were part of several groups of people that became extended family to us. We invited folks over for Bible Study. We agreed to participate in a home-based preschool with five other families where the preschoolers rotated through the homes for preschool play and instruction. We also joined with other parents and created a babysitting co-op. All of these groups of people were a good fit for helping us raise our kids and were open to our support as well.
Pray
Prayer is essential. God speaks to us through the reading of the Bible. In prayer, we can communicate our thoughts, frustrations, concerns, worries, thanks, gratitude and praise with God and listen in our hearts for the Holy Spirit’s nudging. In the Gospel of Luke, chapter 1, Jesus tells his disciples that they should always pray and not give up. Luke tells the parable of the persistent widow, who kept pleading with the judge. Because of her persistence, the judge eventually granted her request. We can be like the persistent widow. God invites us to intercede and plead with God on behalf of our loved ones. One of our favorite Bible verses is Romans 12:12 that says, “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” In other passages, we are also told to “Pray without ceasing.” We like to ask God for wisdom to deal with our circumstances, for joy in our journey, and for peace along the way.
In conclusion, it is important to realize that we are the parents. No one else is ultimately responsible for the parenting of our children. We want to seek and recognize good counsel and follow what makes sense in our situation. We want to filter everything through the lens of God’s Word. We want to listen for something useful when someone is sharing information, extend grace when it is not helpful, recognize when a relationship is toxic, and build a good community for us and our families.
Feel free to reach out to us at Champions4Parents@gmail.com.
Much love,
Tom and Julie Meekins
CONNECT WITH US:
We invite you to connect with Tom, Julie, and Amy through:
Email: champions4parents@gmail.com
Phone: 410-746-9010
Facebook: www.facebook.com/Champions4Parents
Don’t forget our website: www.champions4parents.com
And check out Amy’s book at www.HeartReCHARGE.com
